Back in January, I fell off the face of the earth and travelled to my favorite place on the planet, The Caribbean. Why do I love the Caribbean? Here’s my Top Reasons:
- Warm
- Rum
- Sunshine
- More rum
This year, we sojourned to the Southern Caribbean with our besties Nick and Kelly (aka my sister). This meant St. Thomas, St. Lucia, St. Kitts, and St. Maarten. Oh, and 
Barbados. We only got off the ship and back on at Barbados because we didn’t have an excursion and there was like, three places to stand in port. Kelly and I then went on to judge a hairiest chest competition in which we won MEDALS for our awesomeness. I also drank a lot of rum and sang karaoke for the first time in my life. Actually, the first, second, and third times.
We won medals for that too.
On the last day of 2015, I mentioned I wanted to do something scary in 2016. Not like, cocaine or something, but something that pulls me out of my comfort zone (which, 
possibly, is sitting on the couch under my Doctor Who Exploding Tardis blanket). This was not on achieved, but surpassed. Example: this picture is me and The Hubs, standing on the floor of the Caribbean Sea (let’s be honest, 20 feet down but still terrifying). Helmet Dive? I don’t know, something like that. Fun Fact: it’s hard and awkward to walk underwater.
Look, I know it’s January but the sun shines like happiness and Joy from Inside Out in St. Maarten. However. However. It’s cold as balls just wandering around the sea floor in a bikini and a thin coating of sass. The Hubs reported my lips were blue. I was shivering. And all I could think was, “Please God, do not let the rescue diver think I’m having a seizure and drag me up to the surface like Jaws is on our heels.” I paid a lot of damn money to helmet dive. I was going to experience every second of it and smile through my coldness.
Someone hand me a sweater.
I’m undecided which island is my favorite. I seriously loved them all (maybe not so much Barbados, but then, to be fair I only saw like, five feet). If there ruins to be found and hiked, we found them. We scoured St. Thomas for a new bathing suit for Kelly and found approximately three to choose from. Nick had a selfie stick. We got pummeled with rocks on the beach at St. Lucia because the tide was insanely strong. I watched a burly man get flipped over like he was a light weight.
Check out those spiffy shoes on my feet. Those, my friend, are late 90s Tivas. Possibly early 2000s. And, yes, Tivas are just as
awesome now as they were then.
There was an amazing fort in St. Kitts called the Brimstone Fortress which was like, 40 acres of 1700s awesomeness. Unfortunately, we only had 45 minutes to review the fort and guns and general amazingness that was laid out in front of us. We wriggled in it. Speed tourism. See all the sights!
Things like, “We do NOT have enough time for a bathroom stop!” were said, followed by, “Fine, St. Kitts: 2017 is happening.”
At a random little side road souvenir shop, two guys with little monkeys wearing diapers were trying to get people to pay to get their picture taken with one. One guy made a beeline for me.
Guy: Do you want to pet the monkey?
Me: Um. No thanks.
Guy: She’s very nice. Her name is Amy.
Me: Um. I don’t…uh…really like monkeys.
Me: Internal commentary: I’m not paying to pet a creepy monkey in a diaper.
Guy: No, really, go ahead.
Me: (sighs) Okay.
Me: (pets monkey with index finger). Awwwww.
I. Just. Can’t. Monkeys and their creepy little hands and venomous fangs (come on, you’ve seen Congo and Outbreak). I had a monkey friend in Roatan a few years ago but that’s as much as I can get excited about monkeys. I don’t want to pet your monkey.
Prior to the cruise, I ran my first 5K of 2016: the runDisney Marathon weekend in Disney World. Note: I did not go to Disney World other than for the race, as I am cheap. We went to Universal Studios, but that’s another story.
The Pluto 5K, as it’s called, had me hilariously confused because it starts in a parking lot and wraps around the outside of Epcot. I was running behind a woman dressed like Snow White and was thinking, “Really? I came all the way down here to run OUTSIDE of Epcot? With the dumpsters?”
Then, we swerved inside….uh, Mexico (?) and I proceeded to have more worst pace time ever, because I kept stopping to take selfies. “Is that a phonebooth?” I mentally screamed. “ENGLAND!!!!”
That’s a lot of hard work for a free banana and a bottle of water.