Adventures in Waxing

I’d like to preface this by saying: NO.  That’s the spoiler.  No.

For whatever reason, I decided a few months ago that, despite having shaved my legs since I was like, 12, the fact that it worked shouldn’t sway me from trying something new.  Different.  Modern, shall we say.

But, let’s not have all the big fun at once: I started out small, by purchasing these “ready to wax strips” that didn’t need warmed up or anything.  Just slap ’em on and rip ’em off.  And, after a particularly rage-filled day at work, I did.  Just my knees and my upper legs.  You know, hammies and quads.  Smooth!

There’s really not much I can say about waxing that you probably don’t already know.  It’s wax.  You’re ripping it off your skin and, if you’re lucky and did it right, you’re taking the hair with it.

It wasn’t fun and it didn’t particularly save time or be even remotely convenient.  But I am an OBSESSOR and BANDWAGON JUMPER and I’m going to do this.  Because it takes rage and I have lots of that.  Smooth legs here I come.

A trip to Amazon and fifty bucks later and I am the proud new owner of hard wax beads and a little purple wax warmer.  We are going to do this and be good at it.  Semi-pro.

So, I said to myself, why not try waxing the ‘ol bikini area?  And, look, here’s an internet article on how to do it!  It sounds easy!  You have this skill.

And I thought to myself, wow, you’re not even good at shaving down there.  But this article makes it sound so easy!  Smooth and glamorous!  Sure, it’ll hurt, but here’s all the pain filled things you’ve done over the years and survived:

  • Pierced ears
  • Four massive tattoos
  • Childbirth
  • Pierced ears again
  • Some more childbirth
  • A broken ankle
  • Hit pinky toe off the coffee table
  • Stepped on a lego

And so on.

YES!  I said.  I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL BE A PRO AT THIS.

On the bright side of things, I don’t have razor bump things on my bikini line and my chubby thighs rub together smooth and fabulous right now.  But that’s about where the positive aspects end.

Because I started on said chubby thigh (chubby as in, when I was doing jumping jacks The Hubs asked “what’s that clapping sound?” and I said, “It’s my thighs cheering me on.”) and I held that skin tight and I ripped that wax off.

And my brain said, “Ffffffffffffffff.”

Let’s not be deterred though, I mean, we’re all here and the wax is hot and you paid like, five dollars for a million tongue depressors to spread the wax.  A little more wax on the groin, wait while it hardens…..

This time, my brain screamed, “WHY DID YOU EVEN THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?”

And my mouth said, directly into my knee cap since I was now doubled over in pain I can only equate to taking a branding iron and clamping it firmly against your thigh, “That hurt that hurt that hurt that hurt that hurt.”

I took a minute.  And I stood up and did it again.

Why.  WHY DID I DO IT AGAIN?

By this time, my brain had tricked itself into thinking that, well, lets just hurry up and get this done so we can go watch HGTV and whatever.  Let’s just SLAP a quarter sized niblet of hot wax on the left side, then the right side, then for funsies one here and here and, oh look, now I look like some kind of ELECTRIC BLUE DALMATIAN from hip to hip and NOW I have to pull it all off AND DO IT FAST SO IT DOESN’T HURT.  Hahahahaha DOESN’T HURT!

I considered asking The Hubs to bring in the bottle of Southern Comfort.  My second thought was, “Maybe I can just wash this off and not do this again.”

RIP.

Ffffffffffff.

Second rip.

Like, is this how I want The Hubs to find me?  Crumpled up on the linoleum with my thighs waxed together and my ass in the air and still hairy like Cousin It because this CLEARLY isn’t working.

Third rip.

At this point, I started to feel a little faint.  And, if you can’t imagine trying to pull hardened wax off your lady bits while your hands are shaking and you’re a wee bit dizzy, I encourage you not to.  Because it was not pretty.

Fourth rip.

Just take me now, God.

Fifth rip.

Okay, this was a STUPID idea.  I don’t care if I look like I have the mange, I’m done.  Finished.

I slathered on the post waxing oil, cleaned up the bathroom, and then went to the couch so I could sit and think about what I’d done.

The Hubs said, “It couldn’t have been that bad.”

I said, “Let’s wax your balls and we can talk about it.”

Of course the elephant parade of horror couldn’t be over.  No.  About an hour and a half later, I’d had ENOUGH of nasty, slimy post-wax oil thighs, and I decided to take a shower. It was getting late in the evening.  Time to get comfy.

The Hubs had installed a new shower rod and he followed me into the bathroom.  I was in the shower.  He said, “Do you like the new curtain?”

The warm water hit my thighs and legs and the crease of my legs/groin/whatever.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh my HAHAHAHA ahahahhhhhhhhh yeeaaaaaaaaah.”

“I have no idea what is happening in there.”

“My HAHA OMG IT STILL HURTS LIKE A MOTHER YES THE SHOWER IS GREAT.  IT’S GREAT.”

What I heard was, “Well porn stars do it.”

What he actually said was, “How do porn stars do it?”

Get me the wax and your balls.  I’m good at this.

PS:  I’m back!

 

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3 thoughts on “Adventures in Waxing

  1. Thanks for this. I needed a good laugh. Remind me to share my waxing horror story with you over Christmas cookies…

    PS. Welcome back!

  2. And,that is why I won’t shave anything! I used sugar scrub the other day and forgot that I’d shaved and when it hit my arm pits….
    Welcome Back Rum writer 🙂 I’ve missed ya!

  3. A few waxing tips from a passing stranger..

    1) “Numbing Cream” is Your FRIEND!..Use it, before you Lose it!, and Your body may rebel, but, Thankfully, You’ll not hear it! COST=$15-20USD

    2) Take it Hard: As in, Hard Wax beads, that you melt & as it cools, hardens…Makes it easier to Peel & Yank!, Plus, the hair in it, typically, stays “in it”, so it comes out, far fewer hairs left after tou go to all the pain and trouble…PLUS-PLUS, Well, (IMHO) those wax “strips”, (Heaven Only knows why those are everyone’s 1st foray into “waxing”, no wonder it takes so many of us years to figure it out!), Stay AWAY from STRIPPERS! (Wax Strips gor those less humorously inclined), No Offense, but they’re like a one noght stand morning after, You’ll never know what you’re gonna get until you go through it, and half the time, their performance is a disappointment you’d rather not relive!..But, Seriously, if I had to use a sticky wax strip that only pulled out 1/4 of the hair at a go, I’d say, “Hell to the NO!, too!!”..Go with the Hard Wax beads!, Much cleaner (when they harden they’re easy to remove off most surfaces NOT fabric)..$30-$60USD (a bag which should last you 6months+)

    3)
    HERE ARE THE BASICS:
    a) DULL: Numb Cream (5% Lordicaine if you can get it, but know that the higher the % the higher the cost; however, the higher the % the LESS the PAIN!)
    b) COVER: Plastic Gloves: NOT the spastic Big Bird kind that are 90x’s bigger than your hand! The kind that they use at Hospitals, they sell them at pharmacies, 1 box has 50 to 100 so they’ll keep you in waxing for over a year (Given that You aren’t Prunilla the Gorilla!)..They also come in Small (which are small), Medium (Normal Human hands), Large (For Dudes & Maybe those Russian Weight Lifters)
    c) SANITIZE: A Bottle of regular Rubbing Alchohol (Sorry, NOT the Drinking kind!, and No Drinking before you wax either! Drinking thins the blood, now, imagine you accidentially rip some skin off, Oh Yeah!, I’m talking Ash vs. The Evil Dead kindda Gruesome! How’s that sip of Tequila looking now?)..Alcohol helps to clean the wax off various surfaces, Plus, prior to waxing will like in most medical treatments help sanitize the area (if you’ve been shaving you may want to try a pre-treatment solution, pre-treatment oil, or pre-treatment anti1hair growth…Me? I rather sanitize my garden before I mow or pull weeds, I may have 2 eyes, and 2 boobs, but I only have one very precious and sensitive garden, and I want that prestine! Plus, I’m a germaphobe so I have images of nightmare versions of infected, girlie bits, which I’d rather avoid seeing or having in real life, Thank you very much!!
    d) Tongue Depressors! Yup!, you still need them, disposalable tongue depressors are a treasure, why? 1st you can buy a million for like $10-15, again, unless you plan to use them in your kid’s next science project, they’ll keep you in tongue depressors for years!…and using only one per wax application (not double dipping) keeps your wax icky free!…p.s. They also have tiney-tiny eye-brow, lip, chin, whereever else little stick depressoers (eyebrow wax applicators), that really are necessary if you plan to wax your brows…(*laughs* Trust Me, you’ll understand the insanity of approaching your little eyebrow with a giant tongue depressor full of melted wax, afterthe 1st crazy time you try it!….Oh! & No worries, they ususally grow back on most people!..*laughs*)…
    E) WAX WARMER: This is almost as key as the type of wax you use..INVEST in a good wax warmer that accepts standard metal tins, NOT just their own brand of metal or plastic tin!.,if your warmer uses a standard metal tin size (& better yet, you can control the heat/temperature from a range of settings to actual temperature), then you will never be locked into any one single type of wax oe brand…as you can buy the metal wax tins from various beauty retailers or online, and get whatever type of wax you wish to use or try out..Approx:$99+ => More or Less, depending on how you shop around; however, the price varies by quality, type, functions available and durability…Remember: This is a machine INVESTMENT and should last you years if not forever or at least your lifetime…so approximately 10-20yrs use if good quality…I bought a salon level no name machine that I still use which I admit has been put through the wringer, but still works wonderfully…because I looked at it as an inveatment and opted for the hugher quality made warmer versus the cheapo one…having said that, I only paid around $120UsD total with tax..btw, been using my machine for 10yrs…

    F) WAX: I prefer the hard wax, (Ceripeil blue it has a french maker) = spelling may be off), there are other brands, and types, basically, look for a HARD BEAD wax, meaning that they are in little bead form (melts easier than blocks), HARD = melts then as it cools it hardens; HOWEVER, there are other types/brands, that are MEDIUM BEAD or SOFT BEAD WAX, basically, that means they too are little beads that once melted, re-harden as they cool, but, how much they harden back to is indicated by their name….if “Hard” they go back to hard fully cooled; if Medium =they harden to a point, but remain plyable, movable, so if bent in 1/2 it wouldn’t jut crack or snap into two pieces…Medium would normally bend at the crease point…and SOFT = wax when it begins to cool still remains very plyable, think silly putty but harder…I NEVER Recommend Wax Strips or Sticky Wax!..It’s messy, rarely works for most laymen/laywomen unless very experienced and even then I think they are a messy, sticky, ineffective bother!, Having said that, for whatever reason, there are some women (I’m assuming fine haired super sensitive ones), who swear by it..*shrugs* I have no idea why!…Anyways, the bead type, varying degree of “hard” waxes come in all sorts of colors and hardness, and they even have ones that are scented..my recommendation is to buy a small sample bag of the hard blue and try it out, then try others (again, a small sample size before you buy the $30,$40,$60,$80 bags that will keep you in wax for 6 mths to a year, depending on how frequently you need to wax),,
    G) A Towel or Sheet = something to lay on when you are waxing so you fon’t ruin your bedsheets, comforter or whatever, and that you do NOT care about if it gets ruiner..speaking of which, while you can wash your waxing towel in your washing machine, if you get a lot of wax on it –or prefer NOT to put your wax towel in your washing machine, especially, if it is one of those $3k super tech machines), I recommend you take that bad boy to a laundry mat..drop it in a machine and come back & then dry it, not like you care if it gets stolen, right?.,*laughs* and iny eyes is just a precaution that helps maintain the longevity of your super expensive super sensitive washing machine..
    H) Post Wax = Alcohol (for the brave or insane!), No Grow Lotion/Oil (For the Hopeful), Post-Wax Treatment Oil = for soft regrowth and fewer stubbles (depending on the brand)..I’ll let you know if I ever find a brand I like, having said that, fyi, Good Luck, as I’ve spent $10 to $65 for post treatments..*shrugs*
    I) Tweezers = No one is perfect and when you are trying to emulate a human pretzel and reach areas one person isn’t built to reach on their own body, you will miss a hair or ten, and at those times, a good pair of tweezers will come in handy,..Good Tweezers = Tweezers that have two pointa that MEET!, so that when you grasp a hair it pulls it out the 1st time..tweezers that come to a point so you can grasp hairs better..

    • BEFORE You wax, make sure that the hair in the area you are waxing is approximately 1/4 of an inch, if you don’t have hair big enough for the wax to grasp onto and cling to, how do you expect to pull it out??..*rolls eyes*
    • LASTLY: NEVER SHAVE AFTER WAXING, and ALWAYS GIVE YOURSELF AN HOUR before hitting the shower, while you may snort your nose at such silly advice, you’ll later pay full price when ypur hair begins to regrow…just trust me on this one!, it gives a whole new meaning to the word “Unpleasant”, and it has a LOT to do with hair re-growth, in-growns, stubble, bumps, and all sorts of other words you do NOT want associated with your sensitive girlie bits or their general area!!

    Well, that’s about it, or about all I can think of or care to think about at this time of the early a.m., so..GOOD LUCK!!

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