Pardon me while I fan girl.
So, the night I’ve only been waiting for since I entered my credit card number into the Ticketmaster site and secured myself two tickets to One Direction’s One The Road Again Tour finally arrived. Let’s discuss when I was last at a boy band concert. Or, for that matter, any concert at all:
- July 16, 2000 at Three Rivers Stadium to see N Sync.
I’ve been busy. Or, possibly fell in a hole or asleep or something and woke up and fifteen years had passed. Whatever, anyway, the point is that I’m old and going to a boy band concert.
Because this was repeatedly brought up to me.
Aaaaaaanyway, my girl Jackie and decided that, prior to the concert, we were going to pregame. And, when you’re in thirties, have been on the boy band bandwagon since New Kids on the Block had the greatest hits (hahahaha, see what I did there??), how do you pregame for the One Direction concert? Alcohol, One Direction on YouTube, and One Direction’s 2013 cinematic masterpiece, “This Is Us.”
Yes, we’re ridiculous. Yes, we drank almost a whole bottle of Firefly something or other. But The Hubs gave us a ride to the concert. His last words to me were, “If you call for bail money, I’m going to let you sit in jail overnight.”
I’d been live Tweeting my preparation for the 1D concert, namely, how enormous my hair was thanks to a lot of teasing, a lot of hairspray, and some kind of horrible accident with “texture spray.” Welcome to the jungle. Anyway, so, relive with me, if you will, our approach to the best city on earth (I refuse to reason with anyone who says otherwise), Pittsburgh, for the concert:
The last tweet about the near riot occurred in the in the merchandise line (side note: it’s super hard to pick which $40 t-shirt you want to buy when you’re peering over the heads of girls you could possibly be old enough to be their mother. Noooo, surely that’s not true (the old part, not the $40 part because that’s completely accurate). The girls we chatted with here probably, oh, I’d hopefully estimate as sixteen? Seventeen? Thirty-two? Anyway, while I was debating between the “Harry is hot on the black shirt” and the “Harry is hot on the gray shirt” and the “Harry is hot on the tank top, but I’m not paying $40 for a tank top” and the “Is that hoodie legit $75? Or is that a 9?” a large, hairy man walked past and I said to Jackie, “that’s a hairy guy.” The girls turned around and said, “OMG, wut????” I repeated, they said, “Oh, I thought you said that guy is Harry Styles.” No, trust me, if I saw Harry Styles strolling around Heinz Field, I wouldn’t be remaining stationary. Unless, of course, I was collapsed on the floor. We had a delightful, whispered chat with the girls (Hahaha, no, you’re right, I didn’t whisper because I don’t have an indoor voice). At one point, Girl on the Right whispered “My favorite is Harry.”
“Omg, mine too.” I said.
Forty bucks later (and one helpful woman who told me not to restrain myself because “this is your night, you should enjoy it”), I was the proud owner of a “Harry is hot on the gray shirt.” Side note: Should have bought a small. I think Harry and I could fit in the medium together.
So, at this point, Jackie and I made our way to our seats which, when I purchased them were “best available.” They were not floor seats, as floor seats were $600 bucks and I’m poor. Am I jealous of you, floor seated girls? Yes. Yes I am. But Jacko and I made it work. I mean, look how excited (and pale!) we are. We bypassed the $8.25 Miller Light and settled for $4.00 water. Really Heinz Field? Really? I’d almost rather be dehydrated.
But yeah, our seats were super far away from the stage. But we could see the stage. We were in the same zip code as One Direction and when you’re old and poor, this is all very exciting.
A lot of people around us had ear plugs.
“Meh,” we said. “It should be fine.”
For whatever reason, probably the fact I drink too much, I don’t actually remember waiting for N Sync to come on stage waaaay back in 2000. I remember sitting there with my girls Candy and Christine. But I don’t remember waiting for them to come out. I bring this up because I swear we waited for One Direction for like, fourteen years. In fact:
After the opening act was finished (Icona Pop or something? I don’t know. I didn’t care. I did like their song Emergency, though, to the point I downloaded it….), we waited like another hour for the guys to come out. Jacko was ready to take a nap. I was suddenly concern if I gasped out in delight when I saw 1D that I might choke on my gum and 1D didn’t address that in their safety briefing so what then–
And then the concert started.
I learned some things during the concert. First, I have a difficult time taking a picture of a stationary screen with a moving picture of Harry Styles. It is a physical impossibility, post likely because a) my brain has a hard time with filtering through the “omg, omg, omg” that’s going on and b) my phone was recently submerged in the toilet and I’m lucky it found Harry at all. Whatev.
Second. At one point during the concert, possibly during their new song “Drag Me Down” (which, I’m happy to endorse as their best song ever), Liam encouraged everyone in attendance to “Sing along, dance, whatever it is that you want to do, do.”
Jacko and I exchanged a look.
Riddle me this, Liam. What I want to do……well, it’s obvs what I want to do. How is security going to react when I’m dancing up to the stage and say, “Well, Liam told me to do what I want. Harry’s just right over there.”
But, nooooo. I honestly didn’t want to have a paragraph in “1D Day: The Blog” that started off “and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed and then we had to call for bail money.” The concert was amazing. These guys have amazing voices and are just energetic from first song, to last song. I was sitting there sweating, so I have no idea how they do it. Brutal.
And then, on the way home, Jacko and I somehow found ourselves on the wrong trolley. The Hubs planned on meeting us outside of the city because it was a scene of chaos and insanity once the concert was over. I guess it wasn’t so much we were on the wrong trolley, but for a good ten minutes we thought we were trapped in the back train. In that time where we were convinced we would be riding until the end of the line on the faaaaaaaaar side of the South Hills, we discussed how we really just wanted, like, MTV: Unplugged with One Direction or “An Intimate Evening with One Direction.” Tell us what we really want to know. What do those tattoos really mean, Harry? Louis, what do you use to heal your tattoos because this Saniderm patch I’m using sucks and makes me irate (side note: I got another tattoo). Niall, your Irish-ness makes me eternally happy. Liam. Just keep being Liam.
Here’s a picture of me and Jacko, post concert, successfully back in my hometown and made it through the concert without being arrested, kidnapped, or escorted out of the concert for public drunkenness/inappropriateness with Harry Styles/public nudity/what have you. Will the brutally hot men of 1D remember the concert in Pittsburgh? Probably not. Will I? Absolutely! It was a great show, even if I was like, 7500 yards away from the stage. Check that puppy off the old bucket list and replace with “Meet One Direction.”
Okay, back to our regularly scheduled Rambling Jour. Just wait until you hear what’s in the works with my writing….